Entries for September, 2006

September 2nd, 2006

life is never pleasant


raging_ritch
Edward Abbey once wrote:

 

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds."

 

I was so sad when I woke up this morning because it is as if life has been a ticking bomb just waiting to explode…  To lighten me up a bit, I took a plastic container in my bag... It contains most of my favorite quotes… I reached in to bring out my pieces of paper and started reading what I believed to be good quotes… and I happened on this one… Edward Abbey is a naturalist and an author and I guess, this quote is the best one to describe my life as I know it…

 

I think what Abbey is saying is life will never be easy… life is not a walk in the park… you have to live life and do stuff... maybe because we ‘want to do it’, ‘need to do it’, ‘have to do it’… these options may come in different combinations… we can take them singly, or in combination… but we have to take some risks and make choices … maybe that makes life a little fun, exciting… all we need is to find for ourselves the adventure…  the adventure at first may be a drag or an adrenaline boost… but somewhere somehow we would speed up or slow down… either we do it ourselves or someone or something will do it for us… in the end, our adventure will be the story that we will have to share to the rest of the world… or maybe just share it to a few people… the choice is for us to make… in at some point we would reach a part where we feel that we are standing tall and feel the world spinning fast then standing still at your feet…

 

Troubles… risks… challenges… endeavor… obstacles… dilemma… may sometimes come in buckets and buckets… it can be so overwhelming but the feeling after we empty those buckets and put them aside is a great feeling… like a child having a band-aid on an small wound… or a comforting kiss on the injury from our mom… we feel secure…

 

At the moment, I don’t feel the latter… I have more of the buckets than I can carry… or so I believe… but I want to carry it alone this time… for once in my life, I would make a grown up decision… a grown up gesture because adulthood comes with responsibilities…

*****

“why do I feel empty… something is missing but I do not know what/who/where will I find the piece that would fill the emptiness…"

Currently listening to: Avril Lavigne's "WHY"
Posted by raging_ritch at 06:51 PM as a favorite post | think out loud!

September 7th, 2006

SLEEP IS THE NEW AWAKE


raging_ritch

Sleep is the New Awake…

Sleep is a state of relative unconsciousness…The depth of unconsciousness during sleep is  not uniform. Rather it fluctuates during the different stages of sleep. This is demonstrated when it is observed that varying degrees of stimuli produce wakefulness.

--LuVerne Wolff et al, Fundamentals of Nursing

Last night, I went to bed early hoping that I would doze off instantly. All lights were turned off and I have my ipod playing my favorite relaxing songs. I was all set but sleep never came. I decided to send text messages to my list hoping that anyone would be interested to exchange messages till I feel the urge to sleep.

About 3 persons gladly replied but only one lasted more than 5 or 6 exchange of messages. (I am so slow when it comes to texting so I guess they got bored or something.)

So with only one textmate, we went from “how are you doing?” to October plans to violent reactions to the plans to non-absolute happiness to hanging in the relationship and then I can’t recall any after that. I finally went to sleep.

Sometimes we want to live in a dream and never wake up.... welcome to one of the best dreams i had in a few months....

***

I was brought to Calle Crisologo in Vigan, Ilocos Sur. The funny thing is that it is not 2006 Vigan, Ilocos Sur rather it is more of Spanish Era like. I loved the view. It was one sunny and a bit windy day. Then at the end of the street before I turned to my way to the Vigan Cathedral, this girl came up to me and said, “hey you soulmate!” I just smiled and offered my arm which she gladly took. Then I intently looked at her and finally uttered, “hi there soulmate. I thought this was all in my mind.”

Then we were suddenly inside the Cathedral, I was praying on the second pew and she was praying right in front pew. I loved the silence. It was really comforting. I left to go offer some candles. I was holding 15 white candles, about 30 cm. long. I nearly completed the whole row of candle holders. After lighting the last piece, I looked back to see if she is done praying and to my surprise she was gone. Then there was this song which sounded so good. It was her singing voice.  I do not know the song but in my dream, I was singing it. I can’t even recall the melody nor the lyrics. The song kept on playing until I was out of the Cathedral. I did not find her but it seems that I know where to find her.

Out of the blue, I was in a banca. I was paddling and I was pretty good at it. At the dock, I saw her with this man and woman. I do not know them but they looked so familiar. She was not so happy to see me so were her company. She grabbed my arm and brought me near some structure. She held my hand and tears were falling in her eyes. I was at a lost. I was confused with the crying and tight hand grasp. I was silent, just waiting for her to speak up.

She finally said, “ You know what they say regarding soulmates… They maybe separated but somewhere and sometime they would reunite and runaway from this world and never to return…”

I remained silent and tried to hold back my tears.

She continued, “I will always come back but this time, I have to go. I do not know when I will return. Do promise me you will wait for me.” 

I just nodded and tried to remove my hand from her grip. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run. I turned to the man at the dock he was not looking. I finally uttered, “Is he the reason? If yes, then go. I won’t hold you back. You know where to find me when you decide to return. We will meet somewhere, sometime…”

She gave me a goodbye kiss. I took off and never looked back.

Here is the twist. The next scene is a birthday party. I am somewhere I do not know but it was in the 21st century. Somebody approached me and said, “You still end up together. You’ll see. Trust me. You are meant to be.” I just shrugged it off and drank from my cup.

It turned out that the party is my party. How crazy could that be. I am in my party but I do not know that it is my party. Somebody called me and requested me to sit on the stage. I was feeling that I was someone important. We have a gift for you. And they brought in a plasma TV. When it was turned on it was video messages. I can recall my family, some of my friends who could not make it and other people I do not know. They call me “RITCHIE BOY”. Then the second to the last video message caught me by surprise. It was her. She had a .....

( NOTE: ending of the story is available ONLY upon request. I have my own personal reasons why this part of this entry is not made publicly available. E-mail me at ritchie_boy85@yahoo.com 

***

It was just a dream. Somehow it felt good that I let it out, even just in my dreams.

In our sleep we create an alternate reality... it is the place where we believe everything is right and bent to our wanting....
Posted by raging_ritch at 04:07 PM | 3 talked back

September 14th, 2006

if i say i love you...


raging_ritch

if i say i love you...

 

 

will you hold it against me?

Posted by raging_ritch at 07:15 PM | 4 talked back

September 22nd, 2006

adulthood sucks?!?


raging_ritch
We’re adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop.”
Posted by raging_ritch at 05:38 PM | 2 talked back

September 29th, 2006

craving big words....


raging_ritch

this entry may be my craziest entry cause im running on hing and low emotions right now... i am not really happy yet i am not really sad... yet i dont find myself in between either...

say, it has been a chronic... long term... whatever... i have been longing for something that it makes me bleed when i am craving... but then again, i would be the guilt ridden fool to be even craving...

i never brought it upon myself... it just...booom!!!  and there it is... at first it was easily brushed off... set aside... but hey, it is as if i am caught in a fire... its gonna eat me alive... so somehow i am half dead... walking endlessy.... searching for answers...

*****

 

i am happy... why... cause finally, there is a direction for our batch who took the board exams... let just do this so we can move on with our lives....

 i have now ventured in a very new experience... i mean, this experience is so new that i am enjoying it right now... i mean, it improves me as a person.. an individual...

i have just proven to myself that i am so much more than what i am... i have three new great friends... and we were together for like 40 hours a week... and yet we still lookforward for the next meeting....

****

i dont know how to put an end to this unrelated nonsense i wrote today... so i might just end it with a: "goodbye and thank you... have a nice day..."

Posted by raging_ritch at 09:33 PM | 1 talked back
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