INTELLECTUAL MASTURBATION

i walked aimless tonight
no purpose.
no companion.
no plans.
nowhere to go.

i just kept walking
nothing in mind
just enough money
nowhere to go.

i looked ahead
i looked back
no reason to go back
darkness lies ahead
still i have nowhere to go.

my thirst for adventure
seem to be dry tonight
out of ideas
nowhere to go

i will have to keep walking
until my legs hurt
until the sun shines anew
i have nowhere to go
but at least ..
somehow im on my way...
the only thing is...
i dont know where
"nowhere" is...

at the end of the day, i always come to a silent studio type apartment with its empty bed, cluttered mess, used dishes waiting to be washed.

i untie my shoe laces and sit by the bed. i turn on the tv to at least make me feel i have company. i cook dinner just enough to be consumed for the specific meal. when everything is ready, i carry my stool and eat by the sink. sometimes, i even eat standing near the sink looking out through the kitchen window. 

i used to enjoy the company of a huge crowd. i cannot do that now. the biggest crowd i got is i, myself and me.. or ritcher, ritch and ritchie boy... i think i got used to their company. and i enjoy it. i enjoy it too much that i can now go watch a movie alone, dine out alone and do things alone.

recently though, i realized one thing... i am enjoying my dinner by the sink... how many of us are having dinner by the sink like me... i think, we should form a club or something... so we can do some dinner hopping... hahahaha... 

i somehow developed a routine that would help me out with this quote: "ALONE BUT NOT LONELY."

so i will continue have dinner with myself... by the sink....

 

 

"Tatlong araw lang pala
Ako naging maligaya
Hindi ko man lang napuna
Tatlong araw ko'y tapos na"

 ito ang kantang tumutugtog sa aking utak sa ngayon... hindi ko mapigilan awitin ito spagkat ito ay ang sumasalamin ng aking nakaraang tatlong araw.

tatlong araw kung saan ang tema nila ay:

INIT.

SABIT.

JOYRIDE.

ORGASMIC. 

 

<INIT>

ito ang tamang salitang naangkop pra sa panahon noong kami ay nagpunta sa bataan. ang mga naging usapan ay hindi rin nahuhuli sa temang init. nagbabaga ang mga naging paksa na kung ibang tao ang makikinig eh sasabihing malaswa ang aming mga pinag-uusapan.

<SABIT>

ako ang sabit sa bakasyong ito pero lahat kami ay may kanya kanyang mga sabit...

si camz... ang sabit niya ay ang mahabang biyahe pauwi sa ilocos norte.,.. na kung bibilangin eh kulang-kulang 10-12 hours... whew!!!!  

si love... ang sabit niya ay ang trabaho niya na mag-uumpisa sa lunes ng umaga...

si sandy... may sabit sa ***** kaya muntik nang hindi makapagvideoke at swimming... at nilapastangan si meggy...

si rhea... may sabit sa pagiging hilong tour guide... walang kasing huli sa pagbibigay ng reaksyon...

si fred... may sabit sa mga lakad... nag-set pala siya ng lakad ng sunday after lunch...

at marami pang sabit... nahuli sa nlex, lumagpas sa san fernando exit, hindi nakita ang sunset, naambunan, kumain ng ice cream soup, pinulutan ang ice cream soup, muntik tumaob ang tricycle, naubusan ng gasolina ang tricycle at itinulak namin pauwi ang tricycle... hay buhay... pero ito ang ngaing daan upang ito ay isang bakasyon na di malilimutan...

  <JOYRIDE>

ito ang kabuuan ng bakasyong ito... joyride dahil ineenjoy namin ang ride.. pati usapan namin napunta sa "joy" at "ride"...

<ORGASMIC>

tulad na lamang ng "orgasm" na siyang dahilan kung bakit lumagpas sa san fernando exit, ang orgasm ay isang magandang release at hindi malilimutang experience...

dito sa bakasyong ito, para kaming nakarating sa langit twice dahil naakyat namin ang mt samat at dahil parang langit ang pakiramdam kasama ang mga kaibigan...

you enjoy the people... you enjoy the company... main thing... you enjoy....

i did...

so did they...

i have not been a very good mood today...

1. i have a laundry load

2. i have been waiting for the delivery which did not come

3. i have been stood up in what was supposed to be a fun gimik sometime midyear.

4. i miss my ka-BATAAN buddies

5. i did not cook my lunch well... it was a disaster..

6. i am losing hope on one of my wishes.

7. i can't figure out where to start my self-review.

8. i lost my addict mobile sim.

9. i have ants all over the apartment

10. i don't have any idea on what to write here.

 i wish i could do better tomorrow and the day after next.... i wish i could find the life i have been wanting.

sa tagal ko na ring nabubuhay ng mag-isa, hindi ko namalayan na nawawala na pala ako sa sirkulasyon ng mga kaibigan... may mga balitang ancient na pero sa akin akala mo eh bagong bagong balita...

 in less than 24 hours, ginulantang ako ng mga sumisirit sa init na mga pasabog ng mga kaibigan...

boom...

bang...

kablam!!!!

 sa hinagap ko eh hindi ko inaasahan na sa iisang bagsakan ko tatanggapin ang mga nakakahilong mga balita...

meron ipinamalitang nagkakamabutihan si ganito at ganun pero nasasaktan yung isa... may balita pang bagong buhay ang dinadala... may isa pang pag-amin sa kung ano ang nararamdaman... may nagbuhos ng mga sama ng loob... may mga sikretong ibinunyag...

nakakagulat man at naging mabilis ang mga pangyayari, isa lang ang naisip ko... masyado na ba akong lunod sa sarili kong mundo at hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari sa mga taong malalapit sa akin...

ngayon ko lang napagtanto na hindi ko man sadyang ilayo ang sarili ko sa kanila, hindi ko namamalayan, unti-unti nang nagkakaroon ng puwang... pero ang puwang na iyon ay kayang-kayang punan...

 sa minsanang gulantang na nangyari sa akin ngayong araw na ito...  inihahanda ko na ang aking sarili kapag ibinuka ko ang aking bibig at nagtanong... hindi ko alam kung dapat ko pang tanungin ang mga bumabagabag sa aking isipan o mas maigi na lang na manahimik at tanggapin ang mga balita...

sa mga susunod na araw, ano naman kaya ang susunod kong matatanggap... maganda o masamang balita... yan ang dapat ko na lamang abangan... pero sana puro magandang balita na para naman maaliw ako kahit papaano...

sana sa susunod, unti-untiin naman ng pagkakataon ang pagsambulat ng mga balita sa aking mukha...

 

(note: the last entry I wrote was about surprising happenings within 24 hours. And this is just an affirmation of some sort.)

 

 

Life is full of surprises.

Life is indeed short.

Life is a mystery in itself.

 

It was past midnight when I received an sms from a friend which gave me the most shocking news for this definitely shocking week. His dad died at 11pm, March 30, 2007 due to stroke.

 

Sent:

31-Mar-2007

00:24:45

 

“Patay na tatay q.” (My father died.)

 

Those were the exact words that would make me almost sleepless that night. Those words that would make me worry about a friend. Those words that brought me a heavy heart, until this writing.

 

It was the hardest news to handle and yet half of me was hoping it was just a bad joke. IT wasn’t. After giving my friend a call, the sad message sank in.

 

i almost lost my dad as well last December of 2006. The doctor said he was lucky enough to be back. What I felt during the time when I saw my dad unconscious and seemingly lifeless, I panicked. Yes, I am a nurse but being a son got the better of me. That experience was scary almost losing him but for a friend who actually lost his dad, that experience can never come close.

 

My friend just turned 20. young, carefree, fun loving kid I had known was out of words and crying in the short phone call. My heart was breaking as I silently listen to him cry. I was with him when he was having fun with us but now, all I can do is a lousy phone call and no words to speak. I wish I could be of help but at this point all I can do is pray for his dad’s souls, his family and for him as well.

 

I am not a very close friend of this guy mind you but during our “mini-vacation” with many funny misadventures, small talks and joking around, I got to know a real person worthy to be a friend – more like a little brother.

 

Today, I realized that anything can happen anytime. Changes come when we least expect it. Some end abruptly while others slowly fade away and eventually disappear. Either way, when time asks for what he has lent us, we do not have any choice but to let go.

 

Time is of the essence in whatever we do. If we have something to do, we should do it soon enough before time runs out.

 

All the cliché about life seems to be non-cliché at this point. They seem to have a deeper message and not just for us to “gasgas” it over and over.

 

I took a walk at the terrace while looking at the stars just to let drowsiness set in. I exchanged messages with another friend just so to shy away from the bad news. When I finally settled into bed, there is one thing that I have in mind…

 

LIFE IS.

 

 

 

"Ever wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life-altering? Is it four years, like high school? One year? An eight-week walking tour? Can your life change in a month, or a week, or a single day? We're always in a hurry to grow up, to go places, to get ahead…but when you're young, one hour can change everything."

---Lucas Scott, OneTree Hill