INTELLECTUAL MASTURBATION

ekatarina

I.  Now that's what you call a title (courtesy of my crazy girlfriend, Fiona Apple, thank you very much).  Fits perfectly for my current dilemma 'cause yeah, I'm about to bring on the heartbreak on someone.  Oh well, he's just a boy.  And me likes men and those on the other side.  It's a viscious cycle, actually.  I break someone's heart, then move on to the next pretty face just to get broken into pieces.  And then I do the breaking once again as if I haven't learned anything from karmic retribution.  So yeah, boohoo.  To the them that I've disappointed: don't worry I'm never gonna find happiness.  That's what I get from not having satisfaction on something or someone or someone or something.  Sounds comforting, eh?

II.  I hate this day just for the reason that I hate this day.  And oh, I hate this day.  And it's all because I wasn't able to blow dry my hair.  Bah.

III.  I have a little girl's voice.  It's not cute.  I couldn't even recognize it whenever I'm hearing it on my headset.  It's like listening to someone else who's just copying my own words.  Hrm.

IV.  So enough of all the weirdness and drama, this last note is for my girlfriend Shey who is celebrating her 22nd birthday today!  I like birthdays.  It's the time of the year when the celebrants should be treated as the most important people in the whole world.  Happy happy birthday, Shey!  Aw and I heart you! 

poetfreak

I want to travel, travel like I have never travelled before. Although this will not be the first time, I want to be alone again. I will pack my 40 liters Assault, my Apexus Tadpole Tent, my Merrell Shoes, my beaver slippers, my local swiss knife, my local headlamp, my never-been used hammock, my journal, my books and of course my old books.

This is going to be one-hell of a roadtrip. I am addicted to the feeling of being a stranger, a person who has all the rights to be friends with everybody, no judgement, no pretentions, just the plain self, face to face with what the locals call their way of life.

I want to sit on the sand with a stranger. Tell him all the things that brings me pain and joy. We will watch the sunset and the sunrise telling each other our stories, listening to each to other till we get tired and off we go on our own ways. Exciting, liberating.

I am going to remember each road that I will walk into, the trees that I will pass by, the color of their leaves, the smell of the air, the comfort of silence. I will cherish them as I move past them.

I want to talk to people I do not know and look at the in the eye allowing myself to be vulnerable from their piercing eyes questioning my identity. I shall become one with all those who travel without purpose but to decipher the meaning of being alone, of being no one, of being nothing.

And when I get back to the busy life of the city, I shall crave for the simple lives of the folks 've met. I shall remember waking up in the morning and feeling the blessing of living for another day to see the sunrise, breathe the fresh air and walk on a road that has been as familiar as the back of thir calloused hands. And I will replay on my mind all the stories shared to me by people who had come in touch with life's most painful path. And just like many others, I pretend that my life is better yet in the middle of the night, when the city lights has gone out I shall realize that my story is no different. It is the same worries, the same sadness, the same happiness, the same dreams, it all differs on the degree of intensity.

Because of this, I shall learn. I shall learn from their experiencea and whenever I will be confronted by my own demon, I will remember all those people, fighting the same battle and I shall be strong, I shall stand up , I shall withstand and then win.

poetfreak

is there such a thing as forever?

when do you give up on pursuing someone who has fallen out of love? how do you hold on to promises said but was never done..

how do you start to build another life after everything has crumbled and all this time you have thought you were building a foundation for a beautiful and stable future?

when they say it is over, is it really over?

can you still fight for a fight, he said he has already won?

is it cowardice to give up and succumb to reality?

how can something so beautiful end in such a misery?

why do we ask ourselves, where did i go wrong, if we have given it all without asking for anything?

why does love sometimes become unrequitted? why cant people meet at some point and agree to love each other with all honesty for the rest of their life?

when you have been hurt a lot of times, when rejection is becoming a pattern, when do you cease to adore someone who cant appreciate you back?

why does pain in pair with love?

why do others sleep with the person they love most and others do not?

is it because they are more beautiful and some are less?

is it because they are richer?

is it because they are better?

i need to know why...

they are asking me why i am still not in a serious relationship..

i had my share of mistakes, i know..

is that because i am weak or because i am too strong to take on a road unknown?

lily2007

Yeah., thats the constellation that night.. December 01, 2008.. Try to view it vertically in tiles.., and you'll realize it was smiling. The bright star was the Venus, the other one was the Jupiter.

Here's the bday girl with the 3 ladies.. fatima baby. Aha!

A picture taken in front of Hetty actually, hehe..

Same passion, just a mere capture of that moment. happy Bday fatima.. May you grow healthy and good girl. Mwuah

ekatarina

1. What a way to start my week at work.  Really.  It’s bad enough that I don’t feel comfortable at our new floor.  It’s too narrow and there are stuff cluttered here and there, plus the rest room is freaking far from my station (read: chaka).  And yeah, my headset just sabotaged my first three calls.  So there goes my first QA for the month.  Barbarbarbarbar.

2. Owww, have you seen the moon lately?  It’s B-E-A-utiful!  Jupiter and Mars are just above it.  It’s like a cosmic affair!  Imagine that, we get to have a glimpse on the rest of the universe by just looking at the magnificence of the night sky.  And of course there are the staaaars.  I’m speechless.

3. And eeeekkkk!  I just found out that MTV has already released The Daria Diaries!  Daria! The hardcore nerdy anti-social of Lawndale High!  Daria! The angsty daughter of Helen and Jake Morgendorffer who ruled in words!  Sorry my dear Haruki Murakami, I heart Kafka on the Shore and would love to place it in my bookshelf of fame but Daria is loveee and on Friday I'll finally gonna have a crisp copy of her highly-anticipated book (at least for nerds like me, that is).  Teehee.     

ekatarina

This is my second time to write this entry because stupid me, I accidentally hit the close button. Shoot! Anyway...

Went last Saturday at Jen's birthday party where I got to see my college friends once again after missing out on all the weekend meet ups they had for the past one and a half year.  I WAS too busy with my work and R, thank you very much.  Now if there's one thing that I could say with the crowd I had in my class, it's that they're all loud.  I'm the only weird kid in the group.  Hehe.  But they all get me and that's exactly the reason why I love them.  Thing is, I have days when I don't see people.  I would just do my own thing without bothering to talk to anyone else.  I don't know why I do that and I've always thought that nobody would care anyway.  So whenever I'm having that kind of day, my friends already know exactly what to do.  They'd just let me do my stuff without making all the drama of asking if I'm okay or not because I'm being unusually quiet today.  I wouldn't appreciate it in the first place. 

So anyway, I had fun at the party.  Those people never failed to bring out the best laugh in me.  Yep, the kind of laugh that makes you forget all your frustrations in life.  Loveeeee it! Plus I was already half drunk before Valen and I went there because we left work earlier than expected.  With five extra hours to kill, I suggested that we get a drink first at the market across our building.  Shey, Geleen and Raynier went with us and as expected, they tried making me talk about this story they've been hearing 'bout me.  Hehe, they could buy me as many beer as they can but they could never make me say a word about it.  I have integrity, baby.  Baaah.  So going back at the party, I met Jen's bestfriend, who I spent a great deal of a time, errr, talking with.  Yes, my fondness on people is based on the words they say.  Give me some depth darling and we're okay.  So he's a really nice guy.  RIGHT.  And he said that I should have someone who would finally make me quit smoking.  YEAH RIGHT.  And that he likes my views in life.  YEAH RIGHT.   He could  have passed as my 'finest passerby' actually. But the thing is, as of now, I'm not really looking forward in having it. I'm staying away from trouble.  Period.  Anyway, we're good friends now.  Hehe.   

ekatarina

Got an email from this writing company yesterday asking me if I'm still interested in the writing position that I applied for two months ago.  Well the truth is, I didn't really pursue my application there since I was already hired at TP and with my father on the verge of losing his job then, I had no other choice but to let it go.  I just find it really ironic. Because looking at my present situation, I may not get to do what I really love to do (which is to be out there and serve them), but I can honestly say that I'm enjoying my work right now.  It's not that hard and I already love my girlfriends in my team.  I've already decided to stay here longer than what I've originally planned in order for me to achieve the goals that I've already set (i.e. grad school and Macau).  Time is very important for me.  I can't afford  to waste my years anymore without investing something for myself (for personal fulfillment and career-wise).  And so I have to make the necessary sacrifice.  But I really miss writing.  This has been the longest time for me in four years to not see my works printed.  And it's not just the prestige of being published that I miss.  That's really not the case.  It's the satisfaction that I get whenever I see people read what I have to say.  We all have our reasons why we do something.  As for me, I chose to write because I want to be part of the great awakening, as my comrades would say.  I remember this guy from the recruitment office who asked me if I would have a hard time adjusting with this kind of work for the fact that it's really far from what I'm used to do.  I just told him that though I may stop writing for now but it will always stay in me. I can't afford to lose it in the first place.  I felt like my words are the only things that I could own, like that of a musician's melody or a painter's unique strokes.  Hopefully, four months from now I'd be able to go back to school.  And from there everything should just fall in their right places.   

NOTES TO SELF:

must finish the article I have to pass to Philippine Daily Inquirer before December ends! 

develop a whole new story for my fictional character, K.