INTELLECTUAL MASTURBATION

soulsmoker

it was a good night. a time where all the rantings about life was expressed. it was a good therapy for us all. and then after the conversations, i realized we were all victims of love. at some point in our lives we have succumb to loving that one person who made us feel alive , got hurt in the process and then they moved on, they were able to, i was able to before and i will be able to do it now.

i actually feel better now, at least now. i would not know about tomorrow, the pain might come again. when i am reminded of him, the things we used to do, the things we used to share, the things we used to say, the places we go to. but that is  a part of it. i have to pick up the pieces or no one else will. i will have to decide to move on, get a life, start from scratch, mend myself. this is going to be very difficult but i know it is possible.

tonight is that night. and although it may seem as difficult as crossing the ganges river. i will do this. i can do this. i am stronger than this. i am better than this. the decisions i  have made lately are but momentary lapses of judgement, though i do not regret them,, they made me realize something. when u hit the bottom, there is no other way but up. 

i love him, love him just the way he is, no buts , no ifs. and  i will always do. but i have to get on with my life because the world will not stop revolving just to pry on my pathetic private life. there are a million people in this planet and some are going through so much worse than this, i should be thanksful. there is so mcuh more to do. my identity should not be attached with him. my happines should not be because of his existence. my voice should be back. my zest for life whould be reborn.

i am done wallowing on my own sad emotions. yet. i will still love the rain. the grey sky. the sad sound of birds humming in the meadow.  the lonely boat in the river. the falling of brown leaves. the breeze of summer. the silence of the night. the sorrow of poets. the journals of my past.the  tragic love stories. the melacholic music.

and yes. i was looking for a miracle. i found it. in an unlikely time and place.

to be continued..

soulsmoker

i need a miracle.

yet.

i do not even believe in miracles.

i hate you.

but 

i hate myself more.

if i have to fool myself everyday just to keep you.. then i will.

ill bleed. ill give. ill love. ill stay. ill persevere. ill hurt.

till 

there is nothing more..

and then , it'll stop. i am hoping , life will not.

soulsmoker

i am running in circles but i cannot seem to stop running. the thought of me stopping is a vanity i cannot afford right now. it would seem that not having to run and feel the pain would only make my useless living more useless than it already is.

so the real issue is, i do not want to move on. why? shit, i cannot even answer that question. maybe because i have gotten so  familiar with it, not having it around is like not being able to breathe. i am really crazy. i am pathetic.  i just cannot seem to stop.

i want to be angry. i want to shout. i want to ask questions. i want to beg. i want to do a lot of things but in the end, what i'll do is put up a happy face, pretend than i am fine, i am happy, i am settled.

but in reality, i am not. i am starting to self destruct. i am in the verge of crying everytime the conversations play in my mind. i am like a broken record. i need some divine intervention even if i do not deserve it. i cringe at my own paranoia.

i have to love myself more. but what is there to love? i cannot find anything lovable about me. i am a mess. i do have anything good to offer.

he is just a few inches from me but i cannot touch him. i want to sleep beside him. kiss him. hug him. but i am not allowed. he has built his walls well, there is no way i can get in. and then, i am stuck , stuck within my wicked thoughts about dying, hoping that when it does happen he will realize i am important. I am such a coward.

i need a reason.

Lord, save me. I cannot do it anymore. 

The me without reservations would have told him this.

...,

I hope you love me.

I hope you like the way I laugh.

I hope you enjoy my mood swings.

I hope you care.

I hope you realize that life doesn't seem such a waste when we met.

I hope you need me.

I hope you are dreaming to make love with me.

I hope you cannot imagine us  apart.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you are in pain with what we are going through.

I hope you want me to meet your mom.

I hope you will give me flowers when I am upset.

I hope you will write me a letter.

I hope you are excited to spend your days with me.

I hope you think of me.

I hope you are longing to kiss and hug me.

I hope you will ask me to stay.

I hope you can live without me but just don't want to.

I hope you will tell me more of your pain and happiness.

I hope you feel the same peace and comfort.

I hope that we have the same hopes.

loving you at this moment,

....

.. i never got to say them until it was goodbye.. i should have said it.. who knows, i might have changed his mind.. =(

How could i be this weak?

I tried to kill it. God knows how much I tried. But it won't stop.

I call your name in silence. I cry in silence. I suffer in silence. I miss you in silence.

Somebody save me.